Veer, War, Very Weird.

Salman Khan’s movies are more or less like his perceived real life persona. Simple, upfront, in your face with no complications. The narrative follows (mostly shoots or slashes its way through) with all the finesse of a drunk elephant in a Swarovski outlet, and he manages to get his point across, every five minutes, regardless of whether you want it or not.

It is very linear, with negligible references to anything remotely connected to facts, a style that has managed to make him one of the most bankable stars in Indian commercial cinema.

So, with a reputation preceding him, when he flexes  his biceps with  something like Veer, all you can do is  desperately and frantically search for that bottle of aspirin, or close your eyes and desperately hope this will go away and its all a bad dream. But it ain ’t. Man, it so ain’t.

Veer, (by now if you don’t already know) is the story of a brave prince of the Pindari clan ( no, don’t ask me, I have no idea about the historical significance of  pre-Independence era fiefdoms and rivalries), who exhorts his faithful to rise against the British (duh), in between Gladiator-style contests and Troy-like war scenes. Inspired by the RUSSIAN CLASSIC, Taras Bulba (or more fittingly the Hollywood version of it), and 20 years in the scripting process, this wasn’t exactly what expected as the final product, dear Salman. This was more like putting Braveheart, Gladiator and Troy in a blender and praying something palatable and worthwhile comes out. The story line follows the expected twists and turns (about as twisted as a straight line) – as in wronged dad – two sons- crooked king-beautiful daughter- second generation passionate lovers-the British-sword-shield-war-entrails-blood – horses-speech-more-blood-entrails-and titles, but it is so bizarre and bewildering. Two terms that have never been synonymous with a Salman Khan film.

Anil Sharma, of Gadar fame, who stuck to ‘old’-fashioned “crowd scenes and battle sequences” has huge learning curve ahead of him if he needs to come up to speed with what the young turks have been capturing on celluloid in this digital age. The last time a prop surprised me was when the Batman suit got upgraded with rubber nipples, but the breastplate of Veer goes one step further by making the traditional one in rubber ! Whoa ! (you can clearly see it wobbling and flexing during the jousting scene) – some skewed technical expertise, this.
And no, that is not the reason why Veer looks weird. Sohail Khan needs to stay behind the camera, far far away behind, as he must come to realize from the burning debris that is also known as his ‘body of work.”

Zarine Khan, the surreal alternative to the reigning lucky mascot of Bollywood, Katrina Kaif  emotes  like a toddler trying to fly a 747, it is painful, it is disjointed, its alien, and it makes you cringe.

Less said about the rest. Dear Salman Khan, if this script took 20 years to complete, please don’t ever try again. Strick to your proven reel persona. Simple, direct and without complications, either in the storyline or in the validity of its references. We love it that way.

Veer is highly avoidable. Highly.

Watch the trailer of Veer here.